7:41AM
Home
I want to paint but the fact that I have no where to store my stuff, or money to keep fresh supplies coming in is very discouraging.

Reading over my posts from just a couple of weeks ago makes me feel very silly. Trying to say what I think others want to hear, or trying to convince myself that other people are right and I'm awful, are just silly. Not tragic, not depressing, just silly. I happen to really like myself and who I am.

8:01AM
I think I need to publish my posts on the day that I write them to avoid confusion and mixing of dates.

5-24-12
2:03 PM
Home

One thing that has been getting worse as I get older is the awareness of my own death. It all started when I got the symptoms of diabetes and has steadily taken over my mind and heart to the point where I think it controls me a lot. I make rash and foolish decisions because I am scared I won't "live fully"...not sure if that wording is good or not but that's all I've got at the moment. Oddly, and I'm not the first to say this, sexuality seems to be the only thing that, temporarily, gets rid of that fear and awareness. My art, my teaching, going out and living, none of those seem to be able to control this overriding feeling of my own death. Only sexuality. Yes, it is temporary. That fear and stress is still there after I'm done.

Maybe I need counseling. Maybe this feeling started to come over me when I was taking care of my grandfather and I watched him deteriorate. Is it possible my programing started then? I have never really talked about it to anyone to try and unlock those feelings. Really, I am very confused about it.

Are most people aware of their own death? Are all the people that are as desperate to live as I am? I always feel like I'm running against a clock...

I suspect I will be writing a lot here over the next few weeks. I hope one day to look back from a healed perspective and say that life is good.

5-23-12 4:25PM Home I started this blog as a way for young artists to see the complexities that go into this lifestyle, all the triumphs and failures. When I was deciding to get into this I searched desperately for info from my heroes about these things so I knew the struggle and loneliness would be part of it and I am not the first to experience it. But this blog has also gotten me in trouble because of something I wrote last year. I may have lost the love of my life. In a period of self-doubt I did some things that I should not have done. I was too stupid to see what was in front of me and instead had a couple of flings. I should have pursued the one that was already by my side and waiting for me but I was convinced that it would not go anywhere. Her and I both made some horrible mistakes and now it is all just a mess and horrible and my heart is breaking. To make matters worse I just got an email telling me that I have lost two more students to financial troubles and scheduling. This nightmare can't last forever and I'm trying to stay strong but this is just plain bad. I hate art, I hate martial arts, I hate everything that I'm involved with that is making things so bad.

11:33 PM 5-12-12 Home So while working on the newest painting (no title yet) the almost miraculous happened; still-life type things began to appear. A red bell-pepper and three potatoes rose up to say hello. Where in the hell did they come from, considering how free and abstract it was turning out? I've decided not to ignore it and instead go ahead with it and paint them. the pepper is abstracted but I like the way it looks. Just have the under painting for the potatoes so I have no idea what direction they will go. Had a fairly quiet day but had a little physicality with Ploo. Relieved a bit of stress... My eye is really trying to get better but it is just dragging on. Will probably skip Butoh tomorrow but then again you never know.

3:57 PM Home Head still reeling from the Ass Baboons of Venus & Trippple Nippples show last night. I had a great night...don't think Dorgon or MAL enjoyed TP as much as I did but oh well. Can't live for others all the time. Today went to the Legion of Honor with Dr. G. and saw "The Cult of Beauty" show and thought it was just great. I want to wear pantaloons after that show! Teaching tonight and not particularly excited about it.

7:17AM
Home

Sick again! Having trouble sleeping because of an itchy throat, but hopefully that means I am getting better. Since it is itchy and not sore I say that is what is happening.

Skipped teaching yesterday because of a horrible cough. Ploo took my place instead. Went and got groceries yesterday, finally! Maybe if I eat better I will not get so sick all the time.

Going to go teach my morning summer class at Palega in a couple of hours. I am not looking forward to it. There are a couple of kids that like it but in general they seem like just some chumps that are there because their parents want to get rid of them for a day...a bad case of the chicken or the egg.

Start a podcast soon???

9:16 AM
Home

Woke up early and not wanting to go back to sleep. Since I am feeling better I want to do a lot...feeling very ambitious. I have to remember to not push too hard out of fear of getting sick again.

Did some leg stretching in bed while reading. Reading some Bruce Lee. Maybe that is why I feel all ambitious. Before bed i read some Guy Debord and Jean Dubuffet. I think that reading a mix like that will keep my brain healthy; or completely confuse me! Debord/Dubuffet/Lee...what a combo!!! Add in some Crowley and we will be truly messed up in the head.

Got out of the shower and there is a poke on FB from K waiting for me! My heart is pounding!

What do I want to do today? Drawings, maybe collages, and I do want to start an all-over painting on the large canvas that is waiting for me.

11:34AM
Home

Taught my morning class...went through single and double sinawali, some kickboxing, and wind & thunder. They seemed to do best on W&T instead of the more "practical" stuff. Maybe next week I will change my game plan.

A couple of the kids were asking to do sticks again...

I have a painting to work on today and some photobomb scores to make. Feeling a little tired and fatigued so I'm not sure how much I will accomplish.

The weather is perfect today!

3:36PM
Painted the panties on my new canvas. Silly boy Jimmy!

Drinking Lai-Ta...not as good as real but it isn't bad either. Need a caffeine rush.

Did the first 20 photobomb scores. These are in the Guy Debord series. Some of them are silly, others seem inspired. I think I will publish them all, silly or not, as I want people to use them.

11:47PM
Home

I had a great day today. Took my very first Butoh class and I loved it. Then we went to an art opening and the crew I was with was so much fun. I hope to become close to them!

Peanut doesn't like me anymore so that is sad.

8:36 AM Home It's gray out but that's okay as I will be heading into the valley with the brown belts to see Sifu and the gang. Not looking forward to seeing Merced but it's always pleasant to see Sifu. I'm hoping to learn some cool new stuff. Started another large white painting yesterday, the one with the Maxim Gorky biography collage. So far I'm enjoying how it looks and am still debating if I want to add pencil to it or not. I am thinking that I will just to add a rhythm to it. Didn't sleep all that well; was hot and Bumba kept getting in my face but that is par for the course lately. Missing day one of Hardly Strictly Bluegrass but oh well. I have martial arts to learn. Will go drink beer in the park tomorrow.