5-24-12
2:03 PM
Home

One thing that has been getting worse as I get older is the awareness of my own death. It all started when I got the symptoms of diabetes and has steadily taken over my mind and heart to the point where I think it controls me a lot. I make rash and foolish decisions because I am scared I won't "live fully"...not sure if that wording is good or not but that's all I've got at the moment. Oddly, and I'm not the first to say this, sexuality seems to be the only thing that, temporarily, gets rid of that fear and awareness. My art, my teaching, going out and living, none of those seem to be able to control this overriding feeling of my own death. Only sexuality. Yes, it is temporary. That fear and stress is still there after I'm done.

Maybe I need counseling. Maybe this feeling started to come over me when I was taking care of my grandfather and I watched him deteriorate. Is it possible my programing started then? I have never really talked about it to anyone to try and unlock those feelings. Really, I am very confused about it.

Are most people aware of their own death? Are all the people that are as desperate to live as I am? I always feel like I'm running against a clock...

I suspect I will be writing a lot here over the next few weeks. I hope one day to look back from a healed perspective and say that life is good.

5-23-12 4:25PM Home I started this blog as a way for young artists to see the complexities that go into this lifestyle, all the triumphs and failures. When I was deciding to get into this I searched desperately for info from my heroes about these things so I knew the struggle and loneliness would be part of it and I am not the first to experience it. But this blog has also gotten me in trouble because of something I wrote last year. I may have lost the love of my life. In a period of self-doubt I did some things that I should not have done. I was too stupid to see what was in front of me and instead had a couple of flings. I should have pursued the one that was already by my side and waiting for me but I was convinced that it would not go anywhere. Her and I both made some horrible mistakes and now it is all just a mess and horrible and my heart is breaking. To make matters worse I just got an email telling me that I have lost two more students to financial troubles and scheduling. This nightmare can't last forever and I'm trying to stay strong but this is just plain bad. I hate art, I hate martial arts, I hate everything that I'm involved with that is making things so bad.

11:33 PM 5-12-12 Home So while working on the newest painting (no title yet) the almost miraculous happened; still-life type things began to appear. A red bell-pepper and three potatoes rose up to say hello. Where in the hell did they come from, considering how free and abstract it was turning out? I've decided not to ignore it and instead go ahead with it and paint them. the pepper is abstracted but I like the way it looks. Just have the under painting for the potatoes so I have no idea what direction they will go. Had a fairly quiet day but had a little physicality with Ploo. Relieved a bit of stress... My eye is really trying to get better but it is just dragging on. Will probably skip Butoh tomorrow but then again you never know.

3:57 PM Home Head still reeling from the Ass Baboons of Venus & Trippple Nippples show last night. I had a great night...don't think Dorgon or MAL enjoyed TP as much as I did but oh well. Can't live for others all the time. Today went to the Legion of Honor with Dr. G. and saw "The Cult of Beauty" show and thought it was just great. I want to wear pantaloons after that show! Teaching tonight and not particularly excited about it.