5-24-12
2:03 PM
Home

One thing that has been getting worse as I get older is the awareness of my own death. It all started when I got the symptoms of diabetes and has steadily taken over my mind and heart to the point where I think it controls me a lot. I make rash and foolish decisions because I am scared I won't "live fully"...not sure if that wording is good or not but that's all I've got at the moment. Oddly, and I'm not the first to say this, sexuality seems to be the only thing that, temporarily, gets rid of that fear and awareness. My art, my teaching, going out and living, none of those seem to be able to control this overriding feeling of my own death. Only sexuality. Yes, it is temporary. That fear and stress is still there after I'm done.

Maybe I need counseling. Maybe this feeling started to come over me when I was taking care of my grandfather and I watched him deteriorate. Is it possible my programing started then? I have never really talked about it to anyone to try and unlock those feelings. Really, I am very confused about it.

Are most people aware of their own death? Are all the people that are as desperate to live as I am? I always feel like I'm running against a clock...

I suspect I will be writing a lot here over the next few weeks. I hope one day to look back from a healed perspective and say that life is good.